I think WedMD Needs To Get To Know Me Better Before Making Assumptions About My Rectum

I hurt my back.

Not all my back. Just one tiny specific area. It’s about 5 square inches of my upper right butt cheek.

I wish I had some heroic story on how I hurt it – I dragged 101 puppies out of a burning building. Or adventurous – I was skydiving into a volcano (I don’t know what you mean by an “exit strategy”?).

But, I hurt it doing nothing. Or something so terribly generic that my body forgot to even register that it was hurt until the super convenient time of day when two small children need to be fed, bathed and put to bed. So here I was on the pain scale:

I like this scale so much better, because I rarely make those emoji faces on the regular pain chart. I assume it’s a pulled muscle, ligament tear, something of the sort. But it hurt way more than any other pulled muscle I had ever had before. A couple nights ago it was like, #6 “Ok my pain is super legit now”. Took some motrin – but because I am a BAMF I took FOUR motrin.

Blah blah blah but it still hurt all night, yadda yadda hurt more the next day, hurt even more last night. So now I’m seeing Jesus coming and I’m scared (side note – shouldn’t Jesus be higher up on the pain scale? I’d think you wouldn’t see Jesus until like 9?). So I do what normal people do in the technology age – I ask Dr. Google. Or, more specifically, WebMD.


Surprisingly, WebMD did not say I have cancer. It’s kind of hard to say, specifically, my upper right butt cheek. Not quite my hip area – so when asked to select which area of my body hurt it seemed like the “whole butt” option was the most accurate choice.



(Another side note: “Protruding rectal material” sounds like a great band name.)

Ok, so we got some muscle spasms happening… yeah it’s hard to move… definitely pain – yep on one side only. So what am I looking at here?



Ok ok ok in fairness to WedMD the more likely causes were things that I had already assumed – muscle strain, sciatica, gremlins. But still, I felt like maybe I should get a second opinion.

I text my future sister-in-law, who is a med student, with my symptoms:



Anyway it’s still worse today. Too soon to rule anything out.