So it’s my dad’s birthday this weekend, and I’ve been cruising Amazon for some little gift ideas. Fortunately my dad has a great sense of humor, and pretty much nothing (at least, not so far that I’ve found) is too low brow for him to appreciate. Unfortunately, the internet is pretty huge place and there’s a lot of low-brow ground I have yet to cover. In the past I’ve given him some pretty ridiculous gifts, but I think this year I’m just going to go completely balls out.
Normally I have to venture to some dodgy sites to get the good stuff. Other times I make it myself. For example, for Christmas a few years ago I made him a t-shirt. The content of which requires some explanation… you ever see the movie the Three Amigos? There’s a scene where El Guapo is showing off his gun; he tells some guy standing on a wall “Hey Paco! Hold Your Hat Up! Higher Paco!” (thinking of course El Guapo is going to shoot the hat out of his hand). Instead, El Guapo just shoots Paco. I don’t know why, but that scene absolutely slayed the both of us. Like, laughing endlessly with tears in our eyes. Generally it’s a fantastic movie, but that scene gets us every time. But even if you haven’t seen the movie, you’re sorta with me right?
Fast forward to Christmas. I make this shirt for my dad, as a tribute to our favorite scene in one of our favorite movies:
Ok… so, like, in retrospect it looks a little weird. Especially when you live in Arizona. Especially when there’s a bunch of wackos running around who would literally like to build a wall and shoot anyone who climbs over it. I assure you I am NOT one of those weirdos… in fact, I am perpetually asking Arizona to stop embarrassing me. But after my dad got some weird looks after wearing it out one day (seriously, hasn’t EVERYONE seen the Three Amigos? I don’t even know why we should have to explain the context.) we decided it might be best for this to be an “around the house” t-shirt.
Back to this weekend, I’m looking for gifts for my dad. I already got him a new “bathroom book”:
But I kept cruising… Amazon used to be a place to get some funny little knick knacks, but it seems like in the past few months, we’ve come to a very, very dark place.
I present to you… CANNED UNICORN MEAT:
I’m already vehemently anti-SPAM. Not the kind in your email. Well, that too. But the kind of “meat” that comes in a can. I am against any kind of meat that has a “collectors edition”. So I don’t even KNOW what to do with effin’ Unicorn Meat. I’m pretty sure you need a special permit to hunt unicorns, and they’ve really cracked down the last few years on poaching. If I had a nickel for every time I saw that damn horned mythical beast roped down on the hood of some rusted truck going down the back roads…
So knowing how depleted the unicorn population is, at least in North America, I thought it was pretty messed up to be offering meat in a can. It’s a finite resource, Amazon!!
Then I flipped through the pictures, and see this is what is *actually* inside the can:
PHEW! Disaster adverted, it’s actually just a little effed up dead, dismembered stuffed animal unicorn. Wow, that could have been really awkward.
But on second thought, this might be a more appropriate Christmas gift for my not-quite two-year-old… can you say STOCKING STUFFERS?!
For about $10, dead unicorns can be yours.
The best part about Amazon is their suggestions… At the bottom, they’re all “oh! You like really messed up dead Unicorn shizz?! Well have we got more messed up crap for you!”
PS: the BEST thing I came across today… no this week… no this year… on Amazon? This little winner right here:
A WTF stamp. I’m getting one for me, one for my dad. Hell, who else needs one? I’m just going to put this in my purse and start stamping people’s windshields every time they park like an asshat. Best $7 I’ve ever spent!